Charades

From time to time I have an over-whelming sense of being in some sort of act, a charade.

I was going to write "still feel like" but I changed my mind. It sounded like this should have been something that a thinking intelligent person like me would have moved past by now - learn, accept and adapt. There isn't much of that I'm afraid.

I find myself suddenly thinking of dancing a little, like a Fred Astaire in the elevator, and then I remember that ... uhm, no, I won't be doing that.

What's weirdest about this is that the handicap is on my mind,  constantly. It's hard to not be reminded of it for every step one takes.

Especially in the mornings. I really hate the mornings, before the good pills have effect. And the evenings, when everything just wants to shut down, and the afternoon when I'm hoping to have some more time before it's lights out. And maybe around lunch, when I have to constantly remind myself to think about what I'm doing, that not all things one thinks of as normal are within reach now.

 Most of the time, not even a doctor House imitation. It's just a little too risky, trying to do anything beyond moving in the right direction without hitting someone or falling over. I'm aware that I speak more slowly nowadays, more carefully. It used to be that I held back the flow hoping to say slightly fewer stupid things, nowadays it's mostly to avoid sounding stupid when I say them.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm losing consciousness while I'm talking to people. I suddenly find myself looking at the one I'm talking to, and they're just staring at me like waiting for me to finish a sentence or a story. I of course have no idea what that story might be.

Writing really should work better for me now. Or even better, I should say. With the words in front of me I can at least just go back and see what I was writing a moment ago, even though it might be hard to figure out where I was going with it.

The strange silence that happens when someone expresses regrets about me being sick, is different. It took me months to realize that I'm probably being a complete jerk in those moments. The only answer I can think of is usually "Well, life is what it is and at least I'm not in pain". Which is true, but I finally realized that I should be saying "thanks".