It's been six months since I was diagnosed with MS. I don't know quite what to say about it. I'm doing fine, really. I am getting better. I'm frustrated and more than just a little bit angry that I can't find the right buttons to push and pills to take to just make it all go away, but I am undeniably better than I was and if I'm just honest about it I can see that I'm still improving. I just can't accept that I can't control it more and hurry things up.
I'm just stepping up the pace and starting to go to work three days a week. My employer has been incredibly cool through all this and the boost I get from every day I manage to go to work and feel like I'm actually doing some work, it's very hard to describe. I wish everyone could feel as happy about going to work as I do.
Having the perfect alibi for just doing... nothing... it's weird. Let's just say, when things just aren't possible to do anymore, it puts another perspective on it all. That old "you don't value what you have until you lose it". It applies to walking, running, going to work.
My promise for the weeks until the holidays: I'm gonna talk less about being sick. Enough of that already. Not because I don't want to but it's about frickin time to have some other things in my life too.
That doesn't apply the same way to writing though. I'm trying to find space for writing more and about more things, but I'm not going to limit writing about being sick, that's just for real life conversations. So, on blogs and stuff, more MS TL;DR.
2013-11-29
2013-11-22
Focus
Back in my twenties,I probably made the assertion that programming must be one of the most intense efforts of concentration and focus of just about any professional line of work. With age may come just a little bit of modesty and I wouldn't have claimed that later in life.
However, now that MS has made it so that maintaining focus and concentration have become some of my greatest challenges, I'm re-evaluating that. Drilling down into code, solving the problem, building the abstraction house of cards, is by far the hardest thing I'm trying to do right now. I have comparable difficulties in other areas but they differ in at least one critical aspect. Physical effort is hard because it's, well, hard. On the other hand it's the area where it's easiest to see the improvements, and it's incremental. If you pass an obstacle you've come closer to your goal.
Social interaction is incredibly tiring but at least it's self-driving. I do tend to nod off in conversations and I'm less active in discussions than I used to be, but at least it's situations that keep dragging one back in.
On the other hand, if a coder nods off, the code just sits there. You have to maintain focus through an effort of will. And that's frickin hard. I'm sure there are situations that are just as hard for others, like writing for instance. For me writing is pretty effortless but coding requires a level of concentration that is very hard to maintain. Keeping focus on writing for a long period of time would be similarly hard but at least in the short term, maintaining visual focus and staying awake are the bigger obstacles.
However, now that MS has made it so that maintaining focus and concentration have become some of my greatest challenges, I'm re-evaluating that. Drilling down into code, solving the problem, building the abstraction house of cards, is by far the hardest thing I'm trying to do right now. I have comparable difficulties in other areas but they differ in at least one critical aspect. Physical effort is hard because it's, well, hard. On the other hand it's the area where it's easiest to see the improvements, and it's incremental. If you pass an obstacle you've come closer to your goal.
Social interaction is incredibly tiring but at least it's self-driving. I do tend to nod off in conversations and I'm less active in discussions than I used to be, but at least it's situations that keep dragging one back in.
On the other hand, if a coder nods off, the code just sits there. You have to maintain focus through an effort of will. And that's frickin hard. I'm sure there are situations that are just as hard for others, like writing for instance. For me writing is pretty effortless but coding requires a level of concentration that is very hard to maintain. Keeping focus on writing for a long period of time would be similarly hard but at least in the short term, maintaining visual focus and staying awake are the bigger obstacles.
2013-11-15
One of my favorite videos
I've spent a lot of time watching some video channels lately, mostly about atheism and belief, because I believe that there is no way one's understanding of one's own position could be too deep. I've come to admire some of these channels immensely, for their willingness to open themselves to being yelled at, for their incredible skill and knowledge and common sense. I can't imagine any way to make a more important contribution to society. I wish I could do the same effort myself but I just don't think I'm cut for that task.
This clip below is a great example. It's from the channel The Atheist Experience, by the Atheist Community of Austin. In this episode, host Matt Dillahunty and co-host Jen Peeples take callers with religious questions and assertations.
I understand Dillahunty has been criticised for being harsh or hostile on the shows and I can't help thinking about what I felt when I first came across things like the writing of Dawkins. I did feel that it was too shrill, that the message should have been more subtle and gentle. A few years later and after seeing and reading more of the discussions I have abandoned that standpoint. There is no need or reason to be gentle about this message - all the more reason to admire the endless patience and goodwill of the hosts on shows like the Atheist Experience.
In this clip (episode #705, April 17, 2011) there are a few callers with general questions (but no screamers or preachers and nobody with a new proof for the existence of gods) but the reason I love the clip is what comes after the show's over. The program is an hour long but the clip continues with Matt and Jen talking to the final caller, and not only are they brilliant in dealing with the calls but the final caller is also great. It's a young man who is actually listening and making progress through the conversation.
If watching the whole 80 minutes is too long, the good part starts at about 57 minutes but I recommend watching the whole thing (and as many as possible of the other episodes from Atheist Experience).
The important thing: I want to say I admire that last caller to the show. He shows some of the best qualities a person can have: honesty and willingness to listen to a view different to one's own. I hope he goes far and I think he will.
This clip below is a great example. It's from the channel The Atheist Experience, by the Atheist Community of Austin. In this episode, host Matt Dillahunty and co-host Jen Peeples take callers with religious questions and assertations.
I understand Dillahunty has been criticised for being harsh or hostile on the shows and I can't help thinking about what I felt when I first came across things like the writing of Dawkins. I did feel that it was too shrill, that the message should have been more subtle and gentle. A few years later and after seeing and reading more of the discussions I have abandoned that standpoint. There is no need or reason to be gentle about this message - all the more reason to admire the endless patience and goodwill of the hosts on shows like the Atheist Experience.
In this clip (episode #705, April 17, 2011) there are a few callers with general questions (but no screamers or preachers and nobody with a new proof for the existence of gods) but the reason I love the clip is what comes after the show's over. The program is an hour long but the clip continues with Matt and Jen talking to the final caller, and not only are they brilliant in dealing with the calls but the final caller is also great. It's a young man who is actually listening and making progress through the conversation.
If watching the whole 80 minutes is too long, the good part starts at about 57 minutes but I recommend watching the whole thing (and as many as possible of the other episodes from Atheist Experience).
The important thing: I want to say I admire that last caller to the show. He shows some of the best qualities a person can have: honesty and willingness to listen to a view different to one's own. I hope he goes far and I think he will.
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